


scrape your knee, it's only skin

by turtle_duck



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 23:30:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6097495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtle_duck/pseuds/turtle_duck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Laura's mother leaves her when she is sixteen. Carmilla leaves her when is seventeen. </p><p>When Laura Hollis is eighteen, she leaves herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	scrape your knee, it's only skin

**Author's Note:**

> TW: DRUG USE  
> TW: DEPRESSION
> 
> hope you like it! will probably continue.. but there will be no specific release dates for chapters. please let me know when you think in comments.
> 
> (title is from a joanna newsom song.)

You are ludicrously drunk at your 19th birthday party, Christmas night, when Danny tells you she loves you.

You really should have seen it coming though. The night had been going so perfectly that you were basically waiting for something to fuck it up. However, you definitely can't say you expected it to be Danny Lawrence confessing her love to you.

You're sitting on the counter, legs wrapped around the redheads waist, champagne-stained tongues fighting for dominance when she pulls away from you. You raise an eyebrow for a moment, wondering if she's having a change of heart, but you lean back in when you see Danny's pupils are just as dilated as they you expected.

See, you and Danny have been sleeping together for about three months at this point so you're familiar with all the signs that let you know she's ready to go - dilated pupils, the way she tucks her hair behind her ear, the hungrier her kisses are. However, you are stopped by her hands on your shoulders before you can capture her lips again. You look at her questioningly before she clears her throat and you can't help the groan that escapes you as you let your head fall against her shoulder. Danny did this sometimes. She would stop things in the heat of the moment, to _talk_. She always uses the excuse that it would be nice to know something about you aside from what you taste like.. and maybe her excuse isn't totally invalid, but what's the point? Sure, you guys are friends.. and friends should know things about each other.. but you're also fuck buddies. And fuck buddies don't need to know each other's favorite colors or what their childhood was like - they just need to know how to make each other come. And you two had that down pretty well.

You lift your head from her shoulder to kiss up her neck. You feel her swallow, and think maybe you could get away without the lecture this time, but she proves you wrong when she clears her throat again.

"Laura."

You dont respond. Instead you kiss along her jawline.

"Laura."

Your lips are against her ear; you know this drives her crazy.

"Laura, stop!"

You pull away immediately, eyes wide as they search Danny's face. The redhead's eyes are no longer dilated, they are red with tears threatening to escape.

"Danny.. what's wrong?" Your voice carries an obvious sincerity to it, which you're grateful for. Your voice rarely carries any emotion to it anymore, and sometimes you wonder if you sound like some sort of robot. You don't care enough to think about it for too long.

She lets out a shallow laugh as she looks away, wiping away at the tears that were now falling freely. "Seriously, Laura? What's wrong?" She asks, clearly mocking your question. You're silent as you wait for her to compose herself. It's not like you're playing dumb. If there's anything you hate, it's when people play games. You are always straightforward and honest with your answers, and you don't think it's absurd to expect the same. So you just stare at her as you wait for an answer to your question. She stares back at you for a moment, the fake smile dropping from her face when she finally realizes that you don't have any idea why she's upset. She deflates a little under your gaze, but holds the eye contact. You know she wants to look away, but she's stubborn. Annoyingly so, sometimes.

"Laura.." You wish she would stop saying your name. "I love you." The words come out in a whisper, and you wonder if you could pretend like you didn't hear them.

You stare at her in shock for a few moments, before your brain finally registers the extent of what she's saying. It's your turn to let out a shallow laugh. "Why?"

And then she stares at you as if she's been slapped across the face, and you wish you could reach into the air and take the word back. Suddenly, there is silence. Only silence as you stare back at each other - and you wonder if you've ever seen the hurt in somebody's eyes so clearly. You hate yourself for it.. you hate yourself so much that you briefly consider leaning forward and kissing it away. You briefly consider lying to her face with an _I love you too_ and spending the next five years of your life in some sort of fake relationship. It's not like you're happy anyways, and maybe you could learn to care for Danny the way she cares for you. But it wouldn't work. Even though you don't care about most things, you sure as hell care about honesty. And how could you expect to fake feelings for somebody when you can't even fake words? You look at her carefully, considering your words this time before letting them escape your lips. "I don't want to tell you how you feel, Danny, but I don't think you love me."

What you don't say is _everybody leaves_ and _I am unloveable_. You don't say those things because for two reasons: first, she doesn't need to know your life and second, you know that she would argue it until you were forced to reopen old wounds just to prove that it's true.

She's opening her mouth to reply when you beat her to the punch. "And even if you do, I don't feel the same way. I'm sorry."

Danny's mouth slams shut, and there is silence once again. You hate yourself. You hate yourself for hurting people when you vowed to never hurt somebody the way you were hurt. You hate yourself for hurting a good, happy girl who was wasting her time with you anyways. There is a change in the air - you can feel it, and then Danny is looking at you again, and you can see it. Her eyes gloss over, and her mouth hardens into a straight line, and she crosses her arms over her chest as if they can protect her from all the bad things that are Laura Hollis. Her voice is firm when she speaks this time.

"You've been fucking me for three months, Laura. You've been coming over to my house every weekend for three months and I was just supposed to think nothing of it?" You can feel the air turning tense, and you're so confused. You only came to Danny's house at night to have sex with her. It was a mutual agreement. It's not like you were taking her on dates, or bringing her flowers. Hell, you never even stayed the night. You thought it was all very clear. If you weren't hating yourself so much, you'd maybe feel a little embarrassed for the redhead misconceiving the situation so badly. She's clearly waiting for a response, but you don't have one yet, so she continues.

"You know, I should have listened to what everybody says about you." It's clear she's just trying to hurt you at this point, and you almost wish it worked. It would be nice to feel something other than resentment for yourself. But it doesn't.. because you learned to stop caring what other people say when you realized nobody ever really means what they say anyways. You don't protest. "I thought I changed you. Before, you were going home with a different girl every weekend. But then, we started sleeping together and you stopped sleeping with all those other girls-" Her voice stops immediately when she sees that your eyebrows are pulled together in confusion, and you suddenly realize that the situation is a lot worse than you initially thought it was. "Oh my god, I'm such an idiot." She's laughing again, and you wonder if you should just go. You can't think of anything you can say that would make her feel better without it being fake. You think of what a normal person might say to console another.. this is all my fault, I'm so sorry or I hope we can be friends.

Instead, you reply with, "I never told you I wasn't sleeping with anybody else." And it sounds empty, but at least it's truthful. Her mouth drops open, and she's regarding you with eyes that definitely have a little hatred in them. You know the look because you've seen them in your own before. Her mouth opens and closes a few more times before she finally comes up with a response. It's a whisper, but you know she means it. "Fuck you, Laura." She turns to walk out of the kitchen, but she hesitates before she reaches the doorway. You're still sitting on the counter, but you wonder if she's expecting you to run after her like how they do in the movies. You won't run. You haven't found something worth running for in years. She turns around and her eyes meet yours again. The hatred isn't there anymore, it's just hurt, and you wished it was the other way around.

"You were right, by the way. I don't love you. How could I ever love anybody that's so fucked up?" She waits for a response, as if you have some sort of answer as to why it's so hard for you to be a person. But you think that's the truest thing she's said throughout the entire conversation. When she realizes she isn't going to be answered again, you practically feel her get angrier. So you watch her as she balls her fists, and clenches her teeth and looks away from you. Her voice is shaky again when she speaks. "I bet that's why Carmilla left too! Because you're so fucked up!" She's screaming at this point, and you stop breathing. Not because she's yelling, not because she's hurt your feelings, but because it's the first time you've heard anybody say Carmilla's name in over a year. Your eyes drop to the ground, and the only noise in the room is the sound of Danny's breathing slowing down. Your vision is going black around the edges, and your chest suddenly feels heavy and you don't believe in any sort of god, but you're praying to all of them just in case they can stop the incoming panic attack you know is coming. It's funny how often you wish to feel things now a days, but this happens and you think how stupid you are to wish to feel anything at all.

You slide off the counter, and slowly crumble onto the floor. You can see Danny approaching you with wide eyes. And you wish you could speak up. You wish you could tell her to stay back, to not touch you, to just leave.. but you can't talk. Instead, you bring your legs up to your chest and bury your face in your knees. "Laura, I'm sorr-" Her voice is cut off when you hear the sound of footsteps running into the kitchen.

You look up with wide eyes to see LaFontaine running over to you, and if your body could do anything, you would be crying out of gratitude. They kneel down and wrap an arm around your shoulders, and they're looking at you with all the concern in the world. You can see it instantly replaced with anger when they look up at Danny. "Get the fuck out of my house."

Danny stutters and stumbles over her words for a moment, eyes never leaving you because it's obvious she's never seen you anywhere close to this. "Laf, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Out. Now!" Laf is yelling at this point (partially because they're angry, and partially because they can't handle hearing Carmilla's name either you're sure), and Danny just stands there for a moment before turning around and basically running out of the house.

Not a minute later, Perry comes bustling into the kitchen. She stops dead in her tracks when she realizes what's happening, but she quickly goes into mom mode as she makes her way to the sink to wet a washcloth. She takes a seat on the other side of you, pressing the cool washcloth to your forehead while Laf is whispering to you.

"It's okay, Laura. You're just at my house. It's just you, me, and Perr. Nobody else." They continue to repeat all the right words until your chest doesn't feel as heavy, and your head isn't as dizzy. None of you speak. You all sit there in silence as Perry rubs your back, and Laf leans their head against your shoulder. Normally, you would be overwhelmed with the amount of embarrassment and physical contact but you don't feel that way with Laf and Perry anymore. It has taken almost three years to get to this level of comfort, but you finally gave in when you realized they weren't going anywhere. It all started in a bathroom, three years ago.

* * *

You are sixteen at some stupid bro high school party, taking shots of tequila around the counter when it happens.

You're pretty wasted at this point, spilling drinks on yourself, but it feels good.

You catch yourself wishing Carmilla was there for a moment, so you check your phone.

 **Carm [9:30 PM]** : Please be careful tonight, sweetness. I can't promise I'll love you anymore if you fall and mess up that beautiful face of yours.

You smile lazily, and click onto the next one.

 **Carm [9:50 PM]** : I know that I should be paying more attention to Mattie's gala tonight, but it feels wrong. I should be there with you.

Your smile fades.. because you don't need to be babysat. Or taken care of. You thought Carmilla of all people knew this.

 **Carm [10:10 PM]** : Cupcake, please check your phone. I'm worried.

 **Carm [10:30 PM]** : Missed Call

 **Carm [10:45 PM]** : I know you're okay, 'cus I texted the ginger twins. They're there too. The ones I've tried to get you to hang out with? They're annoying as hell at first, but not that bad once you get to know them. They just transferred a couple weeks ago, so I let them sit with me at lunch since you're not there. Maybe we can all sit together when you come back to school.

 **Carm [11:00 PM]:** Am I talking to myself?

 **Carm [11:10 PM]:** I love you.

You feel a hole in your chest.. because you don't deserve Carmilla. You know you don't. You slip the phone back in your pocket and look up to see another shot of tequila being poured in front of you. Your smile returns.

You knock the shot back, and you can't see straight but you think it's fine. You hear some annoying noise in your ear for a while, until you look to your right to see some bro has been talking to you.

You recognize him.. you think you have a few classes with him.

_Jared.. Jason..? Something like that._

You start paying attention to what he's saying. "I really am sorry for your loss, Laura. Mrs. Hollis was, like, my favorite teacher ever."

Your world stops, and suddenly you feel sick.

You think maybe it's because of the alcohol, but you know it's not.

You run upstairs to the bathroom, and lock yourself in.

You only throw up once, but spend your time sitting on the floor and crying.

You must hear about fifteen complaints and knocks from upset teenagers before the handle moves. You're confused.

The person who lets themselves in has short red hair, and they're holding a bobby pin in their hand.

"Talk about an invasion.." You hiccup before restarting. "Talk about an invasion of privacy. Sheesh." You're not even sure they understood because the words were so slurred, but it doesn't matter anyways. You wipe your nose with your hand, and look down to see dried snot on your skin. "Gross."

"Well, I do have to pee.. but it would be a little hard to do with a dead body in here. So I decided I should check on you." They smirk before taking a seat next to you.

_Check on you. Ugh._

You scoot away, annoyed. "You're one of Carmilla's little servant friends, huh?"

"Servant? That's news to me. Didn't know that was part of the title." They joke, even though you're clearly not being receptive. "But she is worried about you. She's on her way right now."

Carmilla is on her way.. because you don't know how to keep your shit together. This is all your fault. She won't love you when she sees you like this. She'll leave you, just like your mother did.

"Leave!" They flinch a little bit, clearly surprised by your yelling. "Get out of here! Go! Leave!" You're still yelling when a second, red-headed girl comes in. This one has curly hair.

You yell at her too. "Leave me alone!" Your nose is running and you're hiccuping still. You would leave if you could but you're not even sure you're capable of standing. "Go!"

The curly-headed one looks at you with sadness in her eyes, before she locks the door behind her. She then takes a seat next to you on the ground, and wraps her arms around you.

"What the hell? Stop!" You're hitting her chest, and you can feel the other red-head try to tear you away before the curly-haired one tells them to stop. The curly-haired one just hugs you tighter, so you hit harder. She doesn't let go.

You yell a few more times until you lose your voice.. then you break. You let yourself sob in their arms, and it's not pretty. There is drool and snot and tears staining her shirt, but she doesn't seem to care. She eventually lets go to grab a pack of wet wipes off the counter. She takes one out and cleans up your face. You feel like a child.. but you don't have it in you to get mad at her.

You stay like that for probably another half-hour, while the other red-head rubs your back. It's embarrassing, but you can't bring yourself to move. You're about to fall asleep in her arms when the bathroom door busts open, breaking off the hinges. You turn around to see Carmilla standing there, sweaty. You'd think it was badass as hell if you weren't so embarrassed.

The two red-heads get up and leave, and you hear Carmilla quietly thank them.

She shuts the broken door after them, and then it's just you and her.

You wipe away any runaway tears when you finally bring yourself to look up at her. "I'm so sorry, Carm.." _Hiccup._ "Please don't me mad at me." _Hiccup._ "Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me." You start to chant the words until you're sobbing.. and Carmilla is standing above you, looking at you with that look in her eye. It looks like she is looking at you like you're her whole world.. but you can't really tell. You've never been able to pinpoint that look, and maybe you never will. But you know she only gives this look to you.

In an instant, she is on the ground with her arms wrapped around you. She is crying, and holding you so tightly that you might suffocate but you feel safe. This is the only place you feel safe. You feel her tears against your skin, and you feel terribly. She is peppering kisses along your cheek and jaw.

"Laura, I love you. I love you so much. I'm not gonna leave you. I'm never gonna leave you." You cry harder but you hold her face, and kiss away a tear that's threatening to fall from her cheek. You manage to smile at her. The moment is broken when Kirsch bursts through the door.

"Sorry to break up the love-fest ladies, but I.." He stops talking when he notices the look Carmilla is giving her.

"Out, beefcake. Now."

And he leaves, immediately. You can't blame him.. even you'd be scared of that tone if you didn't know what a huge softie Carmilla is.

You look at each other, and this time you laugh.

"Come on cupcake, let's get you home."

* * *

Laf and Perry are the only two people in the world that you let yourself be close to, but you're still in denial about it. You've never even told them you loved them, but they know. You still want to tell them anyways, and you've tried, but the words turn to acid in your throat and burn a hole in your stomach. But they have never complained. There is no pressure in the relationship; no expectations. You think about this and your body calms down until you're able to trust yourself to stand again. You give them a nod, and they help you up from the floor.

You grab the bottle of champagne from the kitchen counter, and you see Perry's mouth harden into a straight line. You know she wants to object, but she knows better by now.

With your arms around their shoulders, and the bottle of champagne dangling from your fingertips, they help you to the couch in the living room. You're able to steal a couple more swigs from the bottle before it's taken from you and replaced by a glass of water. You frown at Perry over the glass, before looking to Laf who just shrugs at you, but you figure you owe them anyways so you drink the water. Then the glass is being taken from your hands, and you're being pushed onto the couch and covered with a blanket. You want to protest, cry out for them to not leave you alone with yourself, but you don't. You just stare at the ceiling.

"Night, idiot. Happy birthday." Laf noogies your head and you can't help the half-smile you give them in return.

"Oh, stop that, Laf." Perry hits their hand away, and takes her place at your side. She soothes your hair down before planting a kiss to your forehead. "Goodnight, Laura. Happy birthday."

Suddenly, they're walking away and you're feeling two times too small. Perry is already out of sight, but you yell to Laf as they make their way up the stairs. "See you guys tomorrow!" _I love you_ and _please still be here_. Laf turns with a smile, but you don't miss the sadness hiding in the corners of their lips.

"Always."

You pull the blanket tight around your chest, and close your eyes. You can feel the champagne carrying you to sleep, and you're trying your best to keep out any unwanted to thoughts. You squeeze your eyes shut tight, as if that will keep you from thinking of her. You know what happens when you think of her before you go to sleep. You relive the memories through dreams, and you always wake up even more dysfunctional then the day before. You try to think of things that are good - the curve of Elsie's body and the noise Natalie makes when she comes - but it doesn't work.

You think of Carmilla as you drift to sleep.

* * *

 

In your dream, you relive one of your very first encounters with Carmilla.

You are fourteen, and you have been doing all the work on your history project for a week, while Carmilla is nowhere to be found. You had a feeling it might be like this when your teacher assigned the two of you partners, but you are not just going to sit around and let yourself be taken advantage of!

After finding the Karnstein's address in the school directory, you march down there after school. It's a long walk, so you made sure to pack more cookies than usual in your backpack before you had left for school this morning. It's a little embarrassing to think about how long you had been planning this, but it's just all the more reason to not back down. The house finally comes into view - and wow, it's huge - so you mutter a few words of encouragement to yourself before marching up to the door.

You knock three times and wait. You don't know what to do with your hands.. you ball them up at your sides before you realize you might look a little crazy, you rest them on your hips before you realize you might look a little too much like a mom, so you settle for crossing them over your chest. Nobody has answered the door yet, and you're losing your confidence. You deflate a little and turn around to begin the long walk home before the door creaks open.

You size yourself up and take a deep breath before turning around, ready to let loose on her before you see a very stunned Carmilla standing there. She is looking at you with wides eyes - you've only ever seen her wear seductress eyes - and one of them is bruised black. All of your planned words go out the window.

"Oh my god, Carmilla. What happened to your face?" You take a step forward. She takes a step back.

You watch as it takes her a moment to regain her disaffected composure. Her eyes go from shocked to bored in a second. It's almost impressive. "I got in a fight." Her disaffected voice reaches your ears, and you suddenly realize your anger again.

Of course she got into a fight. She probably pissed somebody off and they decked her square in the face, as she deserved! That must be why she's not at school, because she got suspended. It's weird that you didn't hear about it though.

You huff, before crossing your arms over your chest again. You hope you look at least a little intimidating. "Well, you've been avoiding me for a week! It's not my fault that you got suspended because you pissed somebody off enough to get punched in the face, and it's definitely not my fault that you haven't answered any of my texts or calls!" Laura sees the hint of a smirk ghost over Carmilla's face, and she feels angrier. "And this is all a joke to you! I've had to do all of the work for this project by myself, and you don't even care! Seriously, Carmilla, what's your problem?!"

"I'm not sure I could avoid you if I tried, cupcake." Her voice sounds sadly serious for a moment, but she seems to catch herself. You're about to ask her what she means before she leans against the door frame and examines her nails, looking bored as ever. "You make it pretty hard. Showing up at my house and what not."

You glare at her, and wonder if coming here was a mistake after all. But you know it's not. Carmilla may seem like she's all leather pants and snarky comments, but you know she cares more than she lets on. You didn't miss the way her eyes lit up when your report cards got handed back in class the week prior. You dug hers out of the trash, which you know is totally invasive, but your curiosity won out in the end. She had A's in each class, including Honors English.

"You're smart, Carmilla. Stop acting like an idiot." Your voice is even which is surprising given all the annoyance and anger you feel coursing through you.

You can tell she didn't expect you to say that. She looks up at you and there's something in her eyes you've never seen before. As if those are the first nice words she has ever heard anybody say to her. You break eye contact as you see a woman come up behind her and place her hands on her shoulders. You watch as Carmilla goes rigid and her eyes go blank.

"Carmilla, sweetheart, I didn't know we were expecting company." There's something in the woman's voice that just makes you feel off. She looks like she's grabbing Carmilla's shoulders a little too tightly.

"I'm sorry, Mother."

You watch the interaction and suddenly, it all makes sense. There was a reason you didn't hear about a fight at school.. it's because there never was one. It suddenly becomes very clear where Carmilla got her black eye from. It's hard not to notice all the evil Carmilla's mother seems to be radiating. You suddenly feel a hole in your stomach, and your lips are moving before you have a chance to stop them.

"Actually, Ms. Karnstein, I didn't tell Carmilla I was coming by. She just hasn't been at school this week so I figured I'd drop off some cookies."

You fish around in your backpack before holding out the cookies to Carmilla. She hesitates for a moment before taking them. "See, Carmilla and I are supposed to be partners on a project and it's due beginning of next week. So I was wondering if she could come to my house tomorrow." You can already see the rejection playing on her mother's lips, so you continue. "It's actually a major part of our grade."

You watch as her lips purse, and she considers for a second. You see where Carmilla got her dark eyes and defined jaw line. Not that you've ever admired them before.

"I suppose that would be alright. Since it's Saturday, Carmilla can come over earlier because we have plans later in the evening. Is 11 alright?" Her tone is saturated with fake kindness now, and you want to throw up or take Carmilla's hand and run far away. You don't do either.

"Sure! That's perfect." You pull out a piece of paper from your bag, and scribble your address onto it before handing it to Carmilla. She's silent as she stares at it. You've never seen her look so small.

You fly forward and wrap her into an embrace. Her body is stiff and she never once wraps her arms around you, but you don't care. You don't necessarily like Carmilla, but nobody deserves to be abused and you want to save her. You have trouble leaving people alone until you help them. It's your best and worst quality.

Ms. Karnstein clears her throat and you quickly jump away. Your face is red from embarrassment and you start walking backwards down the pathway.

"Thanks, Ms. Karnstein! See you tomorrow, Carmilla!"

You trip over a crack in the sidewalk but quickly catch yourself to look up and see Carmilla shaking her head with a smirk. Her mother closes the door and you turn around and hurry home. You want to make sure everything's perfect for when Carmilla comes over tomorrow.

* * *

It's 11:10, and you're pacing in your living room beginning to think that Carmilla might not actually show up. Your mother sits down on the couch and watches you, clearly amused.

"Laura, honey. She'll be here." This obviously doesn't help because you just pace faster. "Even if she doesn't, then we'll just have to eat all the sweets." You smile at your mom, because she was the one who had stayed up the night before making cookies and cupcakes to ensure that everything went to plan.

She had been a little surprised when you mentioned Carmilla was coming over. Maybe it's because you've been complaining about being her partner all week, or maybe it's because Carmilla was your mom's student for a semester and it's clear that you two are exact opposites. Your mother always liked Carmilla, even when the other teachers didn't. She was the one who suggested Carmilla get transferred into Honors English.

You sit down next to her on the couch only to spring up a moment later when the doorbell rings.

"She's here, mom! She came!" Your smile is so big that your jaw already hurts, and you never really expected to be this excited upon seeing Carmilla Karnstein, but you know she needs help. You want to be the one to give it to her. You run to the door.

Your mom is doing her best to bite back a laugh as she follows in tow.

You fling open the door, and your smile drops your face upon seeing Ms. Karnstein standing there. You swallow nervously.

She regards you for a moment before turning to your mother. "Laura. Mrs. Hollis. Thank you for having Carmilla over today."

You were about to ask where Carmilla was, until a flash of yellow catches your eye a few feet behind Ms. Karnstein.

Carmilla is standing there. In a yellow dress. Looking absolutely mortified. She won't even look at you.

You're staring until your mom's voice breaks your attention.

"It's no problem. Carmilla is a wonderful kid, and student. I'll make sure the girls get their project done."

"Very well. I'll be here at five to pick her up. Goodbye, ladies."

She turns to Carmilla, and squeezes her shoulder. You expect that it's harder than necessary when Carmilla flinces. You take a step forward, but your mom's hand is on your shoulder holding you back.

"I expect you'll be on your best behavior, Carmilla."

She replies almost robotically. "Yes, mother."

"Good girl."

Those are the last two words she gives her daughter before making her way towards the car. There's no _I love you_ or _have fun, sweetheart_. You feel sick.

Carmilla is still just standing there, staring at the ground until your mother calls out to her. "Carmilla, sweetheart. Come on inside."

She silently obeys, and makes her way up the steps and into the house. Your mother closes the door behind her, and she won't look at either of you. You were wrong when you thought Carmilla looked small before. You've never seen her look anything close to this.

"Carm.." You don't know where the nickname came from and it's clear Carmilla doesn't either because you see her raise an eyebrow. "What are you wearing?"

It was the wrong thing to ask because Carmilla is biting her lip and looking so embarrassed she might cry.

Your mother doesn't give her a chance to answer. "Wait here, girls. I'll be right back."

"Wait, mom!" But she's already halfway up the stairs and then it's just you and Carmilla.

It's awkward, but you don't regret having her here. So you do what you do best when you're uncomfortable. Talk.

"So I was thinking for our project, since it has to be about history icons in America, we could do it on Christopher Columbus. You know, cause that'll be easy. He was, like, super horrible so we could talk about how he's a falsely praised history icon. And we could write about how his expedition of genocide still has lasting effects today. Like people still refer to Indigenous people as Indians, you know? And-" You stop when you realize Carmilla is laughing quietly. At you. And suddenly, you feel embarrassed. But it's nice to see Carmilla smile and you suppose that's more important. You catch yourself smiling too.

You hear your mom coming down the stairs, and you see she's holding something in her arms. It's your black dress from when you dressed up as Wednesday Addams for Halloween. You're confused until she makes her way over to Carmilla.

"I figured this is more your style. There's a bathroom right around the corner, to the left. Why don't you see if it fits?" - Carmilla looks between the dress and your mom at least five times, clearly in disbelief, before slowly walking up and taking it in her hands.

She feels the fabric between her fingers, as if the material were precious. "Thank you." Her voice is soft.

Carmilla disappears into the bathroom, and you take a seat on the couch next to your mom.

"Thanks, mom." You smile at her, and she returns it before kissing your forehead.

Your mother always knows the right thing to do. She knows how to save people. You hope that you can do the same someday.

When Carmilla comes out, she hovers in the room awkwardly for a moment. Your breath catches in your throat. She's playing with the white collar on the dress, and she seems nervous but not nearly as much as she had been in that yellow catastrophe. You've always known she was unfairly good-looking for a fifteen year old, but you never really noticed how beautiful she was until this moment. She catches you staring, and you immediately jump into a standing position.

"Um.. I'll, uh, get the snacks!" You make your way into the kitchen, but not before you can hear Carmilla and your mom chuckling.

When you come back into the room with a platter of cupcakes, Carmilla is sitting on the couch talking to your mother. She sounds too formal, like the same way she speaks with her own mother. She ends each sentence with a _Mrs. Hollis_.

You take a seat next to her on the couch silently, putting the cupcakes on the ottoman.

They continue their conversation with you listening, and it takes about five minutes before you see Carmilla's shoulders relax. They are talking about school and somehow the conversation shifts into your mother explaining that she almost failed Kirsch for making too many fart jokes, and you hear Carmilla laugh for the first time in the conversation. You smile, nibbling on a cupcake before relaxing into the couch. - Your mother clears her throat eventually. "Ladies, I do know you have a very important project to work on."

You and Carmilla groan in unison.. but then your mother holds up the TV remote.

"..but I happen to have _10 Things I Hate About You_ recorded on DVR. I'm sure your project could wait a couple hours?"

You can't help the squeal you let you - and yes, maybe you do have a thing for 90s romcoms - but Carmilla looks at her hesitantly as if she doesn't know whether she's joking.

"Oh, Carmilla. Don't tell me you've never seen it." Your mom looks at her disapprovingly.

"Um, no I haven't Mrs. Ho-" She looks at Carmilla with narrowed eyes, because your mom has already told her twice to call her by her first name. "Rachel."

You let out a (probably) overdramatic gasp as your mom just tuts and shakes her head before turning on TV.

Your mom goes to grab the platter of cookies from the kitchen as well, and silence falls over you and Carmilla again. You sink back into the couch, and look at your hands.

A moment passes, maybe two.

"You look really pretty, Carm." Your fingers feel tingly and you don't know why it was so hard to say that.

She just looks at you with that stupid smirk and raised eyebrow. "Carm?"

"Well, I, Uh." You ramble for a second before finding the right words. "You didn't mind it when I called you that before! Friends usually have nicknames for each other."

Her eyebrow is still raised, but her smirk turns into something a little more sincere. "Friends?" She asks softly, as if she didn't quite hear you right.

You look down, and your stomach feels small. "It's fine if you don't want to be."

You feel the couch sink as she leans back into it.

Another moment passes.

"Carm's fine."

You look up excitedly to see that she's still smiling.

"....cupcake."

You wish you could stop smiling so you could look at her disapprovingly, but you just roll your eyes instead. She reaches forward and wipes something from the corner of your mouth. You still. When she pulls her hand back, you see it's cupcake frosting. _Classy, Hollis._

"Friends have nicknames for each other." She mocks you. "It seems only fair."

And you want to argue that you don't like being referred to as edible items, but you can't because Carmilla just called you her friend.

Your mom returns with the cookies, and the three of you settle into the couch as the movie starts.

It ends up mostly just being Carmilla making fun of Heath Ledger's character, which you smack her shoulder for each time, but you laugh until your insides hurt.

When the movie ends, the screen flashes back to the DVR list and your mom is about to turn it off when Carmilla sees the title _Can't Hardly Wait_ and asks what it's about.

You and your mom look at each other in disbelief for a single moment before she clicks the play button.

This time, your mom falls asleep halfway through. But you and Carmilla watch until the credits end, mostly because you're trying to get Carmilla to admit she liked it.

She does, eventually.

By the time Carmilla leaves, you two hadn't gotten any work done.

It's okay. She comes over again the next day.

* * *

When you wake up, you sit up too quickly on the couch and your head is pounding.

You see on table to the left of you, there's some Advil and a glass of water accompanied by a small wrapped box.

You reach for it, and there's a note stuck to the top of it.

_Dear Laura,_

_Hope your 18th birthday was everything you wanted it to be._

_We know you didn't want us to get you anything for your birthday.. but your birthday is also on Christmas, so here is your Christmas present._

_XoXo, Perry and Laf._

It's a masquerade mask.

You're confused for a moment, before you realize that News Years Eve is only six days away and the annual Masquerade Bash is happening.

The Masquerade Bash in Cental Park that you've wanted to go to since you were sixteen.

The Masquerade Bash that you've never been able to go to because it was strictly 21+. You're confused again, and you look back into the box to see a very realistic looking fake ID attached to a ticket.

You want to cry because it's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for you, but instead you just smile.

You know Laf and Perry are both at work right now, otherwise you would call them.

You lay back down on the couch again, and drift back to sleep. This time it is sweet and dreamless.

* * *

The six days pass slowly. Since you don't have classes again until after the new year, you pick up a couple extra shifts at work to avoid being home.

Your dad is always worse around this time of year. He doesn't say much and whenever you see him, he is drinking a glass of bourbon and staring blankly at the TV.

Danny has tried texting you a few times to say she's sorry, but you've ignored them. You're not mad at her, but you're definitely embarrassed.

When New Years Eve finally rolls around through, you feel genuine excitement. The kind that you haven't felt in years.

You're looking yourself over again in the mirror, for the hundredth time.. and you want to feel satisfied. You're wearing a strapless silver dress that cuts off mid-thigh, with a silver masquerade to match. You sigh, sipping champagne from a bottle you found left on the counter of your kitchen, and wait.

You don't know where your dad is tonight.. but you figure he's probably getting drunk at some bar somewhere, so you try your best not to think about it.

Thirty more minutes pass, and you've finished most of the bottle when your phone buzzes with a text.

 **Laffy Taffy [8:05 PM]:** Come outside, asshole.

You jump off your bed, grabbing your satchel, before making your way downstairs.

By the time you get outside, you can hear electronic music thumping from Perry's car.. which never happens, unless Laf is drunk.

You smile as you walk down the sidewalk, and let yourself into the backseat.

Perry and Laf turn around to look at you the same time. Of course Perry's masquerade mask is orange and frilly, just like her dress, and you do your best to contain your laugh, but it doesn't work.

"What?" She frowns at you.

You know how conscious she can get, so you make a quick save. "Nothing! I'm just excited. You look beautiful, by the way." Her frown turns into a smile, and you give her one in return.

Laf crosses their arms. "And what about me?"

They are dressed in white shirt, with a black vest, and green tie. Their mask matches their tie and you'd be lying if you said they didn't look badass.

"You know you look good, Laf. Shut up."

They turn around and cross their arms over their chest with a smug smile. Perry starts to drive, and a couple minutes pass without talking.. but you're so anxious you can't help blurting out.

"So... did you get the.. stuff?" - Laf quirks an eyebrow, not looking at you.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Laur."

The day after you found out they had got you tickets, the two of you had decided that you were going to do acid to ring in the new year. Perry agree'd to be the designated driver, and didn't throw as much of a fit as you expected her to. It wasn't a huge surprise though.. Perry was never a huge drinker. With her, it was always about weed. It's the only thing that helps her calm down sometimes.

You groan, throwing your head back against the seat. Your stomach felt like it was going to swallow itself. You were sure that if you didn't take the acid soon that you would back out.

Laf turns around in their seat, opening up a metal Altoid container, and handing you what seemed like a perfectly good mint.. wrapped in tin foil.

You're confused for a moment until you see them start to unwrap theirs, so you do the same. When you see a water mark on the mint, you understand.

They look at you with a grin similar to the Cheshire cat. "Bottoms up."

You throw the mint into your mouth, letting it dissolve on your tongue as you look out the window. Maybe it's the nerves, or maybe it's the adrenaline, but you feel like maybe this year won't be so bad.

The drive to Central Park is only about 30 minutes, and your body feels tingly.

It only takes perry about 10 minutes (surprisingly) to find the perfect parking spot. The moment you step out of the car, you look out into a sea of light and noise. The park has several circus-looking tents set up, where all the different artists and musicians are playing, and you've never seen so many people in one place.. even after living in New York your entire life. And it's nice.

You feel the acid coursing through you, and begin to warp your vision. You look over to see Laf standing there with a shit-eating grin and you know they feel the same. You feel confident that tonight will be good. You will be too distracted to wonder how the hell you're going to make it through another year.

Perry looks at the both of you before shaking her head. "Come on, you two." She grabs yours and Laf's hand before basically stomping towards the entrance.

You and Laf are just giggling the entire time.. the acid is getting stronger, and you've done your fair share of drugs but you've never felt anything like this.

After you give your tickets and show your IDs to the workers, and a wristband is placed on your wrist, the three of you just stand there for a moment in awe.

There's so much to see, so many people, that you don't even know where to start. You pull the mask over your eyes, and Laf does the same before you start running towards the tent. As soon as you enter, there is electronic music thumping so loud you swear you can feel it in your bones. It only takes a few more moments before the three of you are in the crowd dancing amongst strangers. Their faces look wild, so you have to look away every now and again.. but everything looks vibrant and beautiful and you feel like you're seeing for the first time. You're all wide smiles and hearty laughs, and you feel okay for once.

You close your eyes and let yourself have this moment. You wish you could grab it, put it into your pocket, and hold onto it. You know you can't, so you just let yourself be.

* * *

It's twenty minutes to midnight, and the acid is very strong. You've already peaked, so you know you'll be coming down in an hour or two. The three of you are sitting in the grass, under some huge oak tree. Perry is smoking a joint while you and Laf are drinking champagne (against Perry's protests because it was given to you by drunken strangers, but it's fine).

You feel great, for the first time in years and you just want to revel in it. You look up at the sky, and you know the drug in your system is just playing tricks on your brain, but the stars look like they're swimming.

"Come on." You're broken away from your thoughts by Perry's voice, and you look over to see her snubbing the joint out on the ground.

"There's a specific tent I want to go to. You guys do owe me."

You look at Laf with a shrug, because you can't argue, so you pull yourself to a stand. Laf grabs Perry's hand and they're walking together a few feet in front of you, and you feel your chest tighten. Usually, this happens because of loneliness. Right now, it happens because you are positive that they will be with each other for the rest of their lives.. and you feel _so_ glad for them.

Perry looks back at you over her shoulder, and her facial expression morphs into that of a concerned mother.. one that you're all too familiar with. She stops in her tracks, but doesn't let go of Laf's hand. "Laura. I don't like you being where I can't see you. Get up here."

You just shake your head and smile before running to catch up with them.

When you finally make your way to the tent Perry is talking about, it is huge and it might be the first tent you've approached that doesn't have music blaring from it. When you get closer though, you hear it. It's low, but you can feel the vibrations. _Claire de Lune_ is filling the air.. and usually you would think it is a little weird to have playing at a New Years bash.. but you can't think of anything other than how beautiful it is.

Perry leads you through the entrance of the tent.. and it's different from all the ones before. It's dimmer. There are christmas lights strung across the ceiling that look like constellations, and tables with champagne, and easels with paintings on them. You think that it looks like it belongs more in an Art Museum than here.. but it's the best thing you've seen all night.

You follow Laf and Perry as they wander through the crowds of people, and look at the artwork and you do too. You're not sure you've ever truly looked at art until now.. because now, every painting you glance at, you seem to get lost in. You push your masquerade mask onto the top of your head, so you can get the full view. You must have lost track of time, because the people around suddenly start yelling the count-down to midnight.

**10!**

**9!**

 

You're coming down now, so you just try to enjoy the acid while you still can. You look away from the paintings; you look up to the christmas lights strewn above you, and you look over the crowds of people-

 

You catch a glimpse of raven hair, and suddenly, you are drowning.

**8!**

**7!**

You can't look away, and you want to blame it as some sort of lousy hallucination because of the drug, but you know it's not. She is standing with her back facing away from you, black dress hugging her curves in all the right away, posture as bored and disaffected as ever. She is holding a champagne glass (it was always her favorite drink), and you're about to look away and convince yourself that dopplegangers do exist until you see Mattie standing next to her.

**6!**

**5!**

Before you know it, your feet are carrying you over. It feels like you're floating really, not walking. The music around you suddenly doesn't exist, and it seems your mind has blocked out all the idle chatter. The only thing you can hear are the concerned tones of Laf and Perry calling your name. You're sure you look crazy. But, you're sure you've looked crazier.

**4!**

**3!**

And then suddenly, you are standing directly behind her. You could reach and touch her if you wanted.. so you do. Because you owe yourself this. You deserve to know how real this moment is.. to know you aren't insane, and it wasn't a trick of the imagination.

**2!**

**1!**

You grab her shoulder and spin her around and you can see the threat forming on her face, (" _What the hell do you think you're doing, asshole?_ " " _Touch me again and I'll cut off your fingers. We clear?_ ") until you lock eyes.

" **Happy New Year!** " People are yelling and kissing around you. You don't pay them any attention.

Her masquerade mask is black and you can see her eyes somewhat, but it's dark and it's not enough. You reach forward and pull her masquerade mask off, and throw it to the side.

You've never seen Carmilla Karnstein's eyes look so shocked.

She drops her champagne glass, and it smashes against the ground with a clash. You can't hear it, but you know it does by the way everybody is now looking at you.

She doesn't look away. Her eyes have filled with an emotion you can't touch.. an emotion you've never been able to pinpoint. You have only seen her eyes look this way a few times, and they have only looked this way when she's looking at you. Some part of you wants to break the eye contact, study her face, see how she's grown into herself. But you don't. You don't let yourself look away because you don't get to lose again.

"Laura." She whispers, and you feel your heart break. Your world stops, and it is so unfair that she still has this kind of control over you.

You can hear Mattie whisper a "my god" but it sounds far away. Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder and you don't have to look behind you to know it's Laf's.

She doesn't look away.. not to look at her old friends Laf and Perry. Not to assess the mess of champagne on the floor. She just doesn't look away.

The touch is enough to snap you from your trance, and it breaks you. You look away because you were never cut out to be a winner anyways. You let out a shallow laugh and before you know, you're shaking your head and crying.. but you won't let her see you this way.

You turn around as fast as you can, and you walk out of the tent. You suppose some part of this should feel good, being the one to walk away this time, and you convince yourself it does for a moment.. until you hear her call out your name again. It sounds more broken than before.

You walk faster.

* * *

You keep walking once you reach the exit of the tent. You walk until you're a good mile away, under the oak tree that you were at before.

When you stop walking, you start sobbing. You are hunched over, gasping for air, when Laf takes your masquerade mask off your head and throws it to the side. Perry unzips your dress enough for you to allow more oxygen intake.

Perry and Laf have seen you a lot of ways over the years, but not once have they seen you anywhere close to this. It's clear they don't know exactly how to react, so they do the same thing as always. They sit on each side of you, and rub your back. It takes a while for sobs to subside (the tears never do), and it is a silent for a few moments.

It's unfair. You know it is. She was Laf and Perry's friend first. They deserve to cry too, but instead they let you.

The last thing you remember is Laf carrying you to the car. They only make it about halfway before you regain enough consciousness to use your own legs. You make it to the car in fifteen minutes, and as soon as you are in the backseat, you are gone.- It feels like somewhere between asleep and awake. You know your eyes are open, but they are staring blankly ahead. But you're fine with this. Your brain has shut down and you aren't thinking of a single thing. You like this place.

You like any place without hurt, without feeling.

You like any place where Carmilla Karnstein isn't haunting you.


End file.
